I promised last time to give you an exercise that can improve the intimacy in your relationship without any talking at all.  And while that is happening, you will both be enjoying a simple, but powerful, form of human connection.   It’s the simple hug.

One frequent complaint from women is that they don’t like their partners kissing them or touching them because it “always leads to the expectation of sex.”

One way to stop this habit is to introduce this practice of holding each other in a comfortable, non-sexual hug.  Do it standing up wherever you are – in the kitchen, garden, garage, anywhere – and simply holding each other until you feel the stress and pressure leave your body.   That’s all – no other agenda and no required connection to any sexual behavior.

At first, the hug may feel uncomfortable as you experience the stress in your and your partner’s body.   Try not to let go too soon.  If you hang in there, you will reach a point where you feel yourself and/or your partner softening.  Try to wait for that moment before you pull away.

I have seen remarkable shifts in relationships when this exercise has been employed. Both partners love the touch and enjoy the warmth of closeness with no agenda.

And, interestingly, it can be the beginning of the road back to passion. Who would have thought it??? 
 Let me know your results. Would love to hear.

Dr. Fran

Hi everyone!

Thank you so much for all the great feedback! I also give a lot of information and great tips on my free podcast series. It’s called Improve Intimacy with Dr. Fran. It can be found in the iTunes Store and on Podomatic.com. The direct link to all of my podcasts is, http://ImproveIntimacy.Podomatic.com. I would appreciate comments and suggestions about my podcasts as well. Also, if you have a question or want me to speak and write about a specific topic, please e-mail me at DrFran@ImproveIntimacy.com. Your information will be confidential, and I will be able to address the topic for all to benefit. Thanks again for all of the support!

Listening is a form of accepting. – Stella Terrill Mann

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard “She/he just never listens” OR “I would never say that,” as I work with clients wanting to improve their relationship and sex life.Unfortunately, once communication begins to deteriorate, the other person’s talking can begin to sound like white noise, or even worse – a constant irritating buzz.

It is known that when emotions rise, our reasonable intelligence, and even our kindness, goes down. We can instead exchange tense statements, angry glances and verbal barbs.  Clearly, this is not going to improve one’s sex life.  So how can you stop this cycle in its tracks, before the conversation declines into the abyss?

I suggest an exercise I call “You sit in my seat.”  Yes, it’s slightly unnatural and will require some effort from both of you.  But it can help break the cycle of poor communication.

I ask couples to do the following:

1. Develop and agreed-upon a code word or phrase you will use the minute you sense things are on the decline; you want to make an important statement; or just really need your partner’s attention.  Make it simple – “Can I have my 3 minutes NOW please?” is a statement will will work just fine.

2. The person who requested the time goes first, as the speaker.

3. Set a timer so the statement lasts no more than 3 minutes. This means the speaker must gather their thoughts, be precise and succinct.

4. The listener simply listens - no comments, no facial expressions, no challenging what is being said. The listener just listens, with  an impassive expression.

5. Now change seats. The listener is now in the speaker’s seat and the speaker is now the listener.

6. The first listener now gets to repeat – to the very best of his or her ability – exactly what they heard their partner say.  This is the new pattern, remember, so no embellishments, no interpretations, no defending yourself, no making it your own speech (even if its tempting to do so.)

7. Return to your original seat and thank each other for taking the time for this exercise.

8.  If the first speaker didn’t feel properly heard – guess what?  The first speaker needs to take another turn, to express their thoughts more clearly.

If you are dedicated enough to carry through on this exercise, it can change the paradigm.   Give it a try a few times, and trust that it can begin to shift your conversations.

If all this talking is difficult – I will suggest another exercise in the next post that can also shift your relationship dynamics – without using any words at all.

Play more. Have fun. Laugh!

Remember…toys aren’t just for children. Spice it up a little.

Please join all my social media sites by visiting Improve Intimacy and my product site at Fantasy Aid Kits

Have a wonderful weekend! Back soon with more great information.

Dr. Fran

Happy Valentines Day Everyone! I have a few things to say about this Hallmark creation, this 17.6 Billion Dollar – yes that’s Billion with a capital B holiday.
My main pet peeve about this holiday is that it’s only one day, that 17.6 Billion dollars spent on one day could be put to so much better use if it were spread over the weeks or even year to demonstrate your love for your partner, friend, school mates, teachers – whom ever you sent a Valentine’s gift to today.

How about, as an experiment when you go to bed tonight, you begin to plan (with the same enthusiasm you chose your gift for today) how you can show your love tomorrow. Get up in the morning and do it. What would it be? One flower, a text message, a little chocolate on the pillow, toast cut into heart shapes, a message in the lunch bag, the list goes on and on.

My main message to all of you heart engaged people is to use this special day not as an isolated opportunity to show your feelings but as an ideal day to begin the rest of the year and make it into a love fest – play love songs other than listening to talk radio and incessant news, turn the tv off and dance in the evening before bed rather than sink into the depressing news of the day wake up with the same feelings of love rather than mayhem. Your lives will be so much better, your blood pressure will be better too.

If you have children, put them to bed early tonight. Set the dinner table for two (even if you can only afford noodles) Use candles and play those soft love songs. Share and enjoy this time together.

Have you ever noticed that many people still seem to carry the belief that our sex lives get worse, not better, after marriage? In fact there are several bad taste jokes to amplify the message: “What’s the best diet to reduce sex? Wedding Cake!”

As a sex therapist I find this belief is not only destructive but untrue. In fact, research has shown that married couples enjoy more sex on a regular basis than singles. So, let’s revisit how the perception that sex is worse after marriage impacts our relationships today.

I’ve shared this sermon from the 1800s with you before. Once upon a time, people were taught that sex is shameful and to be used only for procreation. This sermon is directed toward wives to be. It’s full of admonishments that sex is not something to enjoy but rather to endure as infrequently as possible. It reads: “One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY.” The sermon continues with advice for women on ways to avoid sex noting that, “Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices.”

I once again share this sermon not to belittle religious points of view but simply to challenge couples to honestly evaluate whether or not they’ve internalized these perspectives to the detriment of their relationship. It’s important for couples to examine how they view sex and intimacy.

What about you? Are you suffering from feelings of shame over your needs or the desires of your partner? Where does this shame come from? Talk about it. Open communication is the first step toward healthy intimacy.

Pick up a few furry, fluffy, funny items and surprise your loved one on every day for the week upcoming…then get into the habit for the year ahead.

If you need some ideas, you can always visit my product site fantasyaidkits

SexFaks by Dr. Fran ~ Play love songs as often as possible – Pandora is free and you can choose the genre.

Check out my product site ~ Fantasy Aid Kits 

“Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer or more psychologically astute than others.  But in their day to day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones.  They have what I call on an Emotionally intelligent marriage.”

One of the first things I look at with couples is how to increase intimacy – not just sexually, but emotionally.  You can begin to build intimacy or (as Dr. Gottman would say) an emotionally intelligent relationship with small steps. For example, before going to bed at night try thinking of ways to show your love to your partner the following day and how you can implement the thought.  That may be as simple as sending an “I love you” text during the day or a cup of tea to wake your partner, or a single flower as you walk in the door.  A warm hug and kiss before you leave the house without any agenda (no comments on expectations) helps to build trust that every hug does not have to lead to something more.  Do this consistently for one week and see the change in your relationship.

One client told me, “I couldn’t believe how easy it was be to make my wife happy.”  His wife simply needed to be held in arms with no agenda other than to feel loved, which allowed her in turn to show love because there was no pressure.  Given a little time, this behavior will result in more sexual activity because it is a natural progression of tenderness and appreciation for the other.  This creates a win win rather than a lose lose.

What are your ideas? What small actions can you take this week?