Play more. Have fun. Laugh!

Remember…toys aren’t just for children. Spice it up a little.

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Have a wonderful weekend! Back soon with more great information.

Dr. Fran

Happy Valentines Day Everyone! I have a few things to say about this Hallmark creation, this 17.6 Billion Dollar – yes that’s Billion with a capital B holiday.
My main pet peeve about this holiday is that it’s only one day, that 17.6 Billion dollars spent on one day could be put to so much better use if it were spread over the weeks or even year to demonstrate your love for your partner, friend, school mates, teachers – whom ever you sent a Valentine’s gift to today.

How about, as an experiment when you go to bed tonight, you begin to plan (with the same enthusiasm you chose your gift for today) how you can show your love tomorrow. Get up in the morning and do it. What would it be? One flower, a text message, a little chocolate on the pillow, toast cut into heart shapes, a message in the lunch bag, the list goes on and on.

My main message to all of you heart engaged people is to use this special day not as an isolated opportunity to show your feelings but as an ideal day to begin the rest of the year and make it into a love fest – play love songs other than listening to talk radio and incessant news, turn the tv off and dance in the evening before bed rather than sink into the depressing news of the day wake up with the same feelings of love rather than mayhem. Your lives will be so much better, your blood pressure will be better too.

If you have children, put them to bed early tonight. Set the dinner table for two (even if you can only afford noodles) Use candles and play those soft love songs. Share and enjoy this time together.

Have you ever noticed that many people still seem to carry the belief that our sex lives get worse, not better, after marriage? In fact there are several bad taste jokes to amplify the message: “What’s the best diet to reduce sex? Wedding Cake!”

As a sex therapist I find this belief is not only destructive but untrue. In fact, research has shown that married couples enjoy more sex on a regular basis than singles. So, let’s revisit how the perception that sex is worse after marriage impacts our relationships today.

I’ve shared this sermon from the 1800s with you before. Once upon a time, people were taught that sex is shameful and to be used only for procreation. This sermon is directed toward wives to be. It’s full of admonishments that sex is not something to enjoy but rather to endure as infrequently as possible. It reads: “One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY.” The sermon continues with advice for women on ways to avoid sex noting that, “Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices.”

I once again share this sermon not to belittle religious points of view but simply to challenge couples to honestly evaluate whether or not they’ve internalized these perspectives to the detriment of their relationship. It’s important for couples to examine how they view sex and intimacy.

What about you? Are you suffering from feelings of shame over your needs or the desires of your partner? Where does this shame come from? Talk about it. Open communication is the first step toward healthy intimacy.

Pick up a few furry, fluffy, funny items and surprise your loved one on every day for the week upcoming…then get into the habit for the year ahead.

If you need some ideas, you can always visit my product site fantasyaidkits

SexFaks by Dr. Fran ~ Play love songs as often as possible – Pandora is free and you can choose the genre.

Check out my product site ~ Fantasy Aid Kits 

“Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer or more psychologically astute than others.  But in their day to day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones.  They have what I call on an Emotionally intelligent marriage.”

One of the first things I look at with couples is how to increase intimacy – not just sexually, but emotionally.  You can begin to build intimacy or (as Dr. Gottman would say) an emotionally intelligent relationship with small steps. For example, before going to bed at night try thinking of ways to show your love to your partner the following day and how you can implement the thought.  That may be as simple as sending an “I love you” text during the day or a cup of tea to wake your partner, or a single flower as you walk in the door.  A warm hug and kiss before you leave the house without any agenda (no comments on expectations) helps to build trust that every hug does not have to lead to something more.  Do this consistently for one week and see the change in your relationship.

One client told me, “I couldn’t believe how easy it was be to make my wife happy.”  His wife simply needed to be held in arms with no agenda other than to feel loved, which allowed her in turn to show love because there was no pressure.  Given a little time, this behavior will result in more sexual activity because it is a natural progression of tenderness and appreciation for the other.  This creates a win win rather than a lose lose.

What are your ideas? What small actions can you take this week?

“Mirroring”: A Communication Exercise

Instructions

Sit close together in up right chairs, pick who goes first and look into your partners eyes. Each person gets to speak uninterrupted for 2 minutes with no comments, criticism, clarification or facial expression to display any emotion.

Now switch seats, the “Listener” is sitting in the “Speakers” seat.  Take 2 minutes to repeat as much as you remember from what you heard.

Once you have finished go back to your own seat and repeat the exercise switching “Speaker” and “Listener.”

Do not go into autopsy mode until both partners have had their uninterrupted opportunity to speak.

Do not fall into the pit of criticism…”I didn’t say that”  “You never listen” “You never do anything right”  “why can’t you just follow directions” “Stop laughing at me”

I can go on and on with the comment trail, just trust that the more you do this exercise the more closely you will pay attention to each other and eventually after a few times you will definitely have an improved level of communications.

Employ this method whenever you feel out of touch with each other or those days where you want to scream “YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!”  Most of the time it’s not that the person isn’t listening it’s because the habit of simply talking without listening to feed back or asking questions and not waiting for an answer before running ahead and answering it for your partner,  has become so pervasive and eventually toxic to the relationship.

Develop a code with which to alert your partner that you are reaching a level of frustration that requires intervention of the “Mirror.”   BACON, BISCUIT, TIME OUT may be a few good suggestions, come up with your own but they better not be an aggressive outburst of need, that starts the exercise with a heavy agenda because guess what you’ll get out of it?  Not a lot.

An Exercise To Improve Intimacy

Click this link to hear my podcast that goes along with this post.

http://improveintimacy.podomatic.com/player/web/2012-01-21T23_52_01-08_00

If you are having trouble connecting with your partner a lovely very intimate exercise is eye gazing.  I did this in school with a virtual stranger and by the end of 10 minutes I felt incredibly, deeply in touch with her.

Instructions

Sit in upright chairs close together, knees touching but no other physical contact.  Remove eye glasses, yes you will be able to see well enough to do this unless of course you are legally blind, in which case cup your partners face in your hands and allow the energy to flow from him/her through your body as you gaze toward their eyes.

Do this uninterrupted for 10 minutes (set a timer).   When you have completed this exercise sit in silence for a few minutes to allow your mind to reflect on what you experienced and get ready for a follow up exercise.

When you are finished thank each other and allow a further 10 minutes for feed back.    Each person gets to speak uninterrupted for 5 minutes with no comments, criticism, clarification or facial expression to display any emotion. Simply give each other the space and respect to reflect; then switch and allow your partner his/her 5 minutes.

Please join all my social media sites by visiting Improve Intimacy and my product site at Fantasy Aid Kits

Keep It Simple Sweetheart and you may achieve sexual and spiritual harmony.

• Do you ever feel afraid to tell your love partner your fantasy?
• Have you ever begun to share a sexual secret and stopped because of your partner’s response?  Even a subtle facial expression of disapproval can close down communication.
• Are you afraid your true inner self will be found out and you will be shamed or judged?
• Have you ever felt your sexual needs are in conflict with your spiritual/religious beliefs?

I believe that to be fully in touch with their spiritual center, human beings must honor their sexual nature.  I have witnessed much unhappiness and personal damage caused by people denying that intimacy and sexual nurturing are fundamental to life.   Even those who choose a life of celibacy are healthier when they recognize and understand their sexual needs.  Those who are thrust into a celibate life by the illness of a partner are also greatly helped by having their needs understood and validated.

Babies will not thrive unless they are touched and held.  Adults may survive, but they too will not thrive unless they feel nurtured and loved.  A study conducted by John’s Hopkins University Hospital, discovered post cardiac event patients going through rehabilitation recovered considerably faster when they were in a loving, supportive relationship.  Conversely those going through this life trauma alone had a more difficult recovery.  A respectful and loving touch contributes to that nurturing and it is further enhance when we feel sexually accepted and respected.

The cardinal rule of human sexuality is that no two people think or feel the same about it and they do not have the same sexual knowledge.  If you think you know what your neighbor or friend thinks or does sexually your are deluding yourself.  Further, if you do not communicate honestly and openly with your partner, opening your very essence to that person, you do not know what he or she feels about sex or understands about intimacy.

Remember, we will not open our hearts unless we feel safe to do so.  Therefore, from the very beginning of a relationship, RESPECT WITHOUT JUDGEMENT should be promoted as a way to intensify honest and open communication between partners.  In my opinion, ignoring this intrinsic truth causes many difficulties in relationship and much marital and inter-relationship discord.